Scared to Heal

You all know my journey, I’ve been pretty open with all that we have been through. Having no choice but to sit & watch your baby leave this world is the hardest thing a mother should never have to do. Sometimes we aren’t given an option. We may not like it but God’s plans are always greater than ours. 

Where we do have a choice is how we react to the cards we have been dealt. Whether it be the loss of a child or loved one, a divorce, a tragic accident, loss of a job, anything. It’s easy to focus so much on your circumstances that you begin to be defined by them. Your tragedy becomes your identity. And then we get trapped and scared to let go of that. There is a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety that comes with wanting to change and let go of that person that you have been hanging on to. 

I’m here to tell you, that you don’t have to be defined by your tragedy. It can be scary to want to heal and there is no easy way to start that process. Sometimes you start it without even realizing you have. Other times you notice that maybe you let out a laugh and for once you don’t feel guilty about it, but you are so used to not laughing that you don’t want the world to know. So what do you do? You force yourself to be angry, only because you’re scared to let anyone see you happy. Why? Why do we think this? I can only speak for myself, I know for me, I was scared of what the world would think if I showed them that I was healing. You hear all the time, who cares what people think. Guess what…..we all care on some level what other people think of us. I know I do. I didn’t want to look like I didn’t care about my daughter anymore. I didn’t want people to think that because I was healing that I had moved on. Because I was starting to feel happy again that I didn’t feel the pain of Aubrey not being here. It’s such a hard, confusing road to travel. You want the world to remember your baby, so you do everything you can to keep their name alive. But, there comes a point, at least for me, that I began to feel the pull to start living for myself again. Yes I felt tons of guilt. But I did not want to be identified by the tragic loss of my girl. I didn’t want to be known as the lady who lost her daughter and never healed. You can, absolutely, bet that in almost every conversation that goes deeper than how’s the weather today I will probably bring Aubrey up. I, in no way ignore the fact that she has made me the person I am today. I will talk about her every chance I get, but I don’t make it my sob story, I don’t define myself by it. I don’t know if this makes any sense, I guess what I am trying to say is that you can still live, you can still keep your child a part of your life, but it doesn’t have to be your identity. It doesn’t have to be the thing people see when they think of you.

So how do you even start? Start with baby steps today, call someone who you know will bring a smile to your face, go for a walk, read a feel good book, do something that makes your heart happy. Then tomorrow or next week, do something else, take another step. Slowly, you may not even notice, you will change the way you feel, the way you think.  

I didn’t get to the point that I am at overnight. I am still healing. I am still working to be the best me I can be. I make mistakes daily. The guilt that I felt when my heart told me it was time to start healing was unbearable. And there were times I let it control me and still do. But what I have noticed, the span between those guilt trips, I guess that’s what you would call them, is getting farther and farther apart. 

To you Mom’s and Dad’s who are dealing with the loss of a child. Know that you are not alone in this. Healing is not an easy road. Please don’t be afraid to want to heal. It’s okay. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel happy again and just take life one day at a time.