The Picture

I had this picture taken last weekend and I have been going back and forth about posting it. I am having a mental battle with myself and I know all of these thoughts are the enemy trying to get to me. They are all thoughts that I have conjured up myself and I know that they aren’t true but somehow I am still struggling with them. Because that what we as humans do, we try to do things on our own instead of trusting in God and giving Him the situation. And we come up with our own thoughts and worries and that’s where the anxiety starts. When we all know, the minute those crazy ideas start entering our heads that we should stop and pray and talk to God about it. He is the one who can calm your brain, calm your worries and anxieties.

So back to this picture….

Aubrey never got to experience Christmas the way typical children get to. She never got to open her own presents, she never got to go see the pretty lights, she never got to sit on Santa’s lap. Her one and only Christmas was actually spent in the ER when her feeding tube got kinked and she had to go in to get it replaced. Because of that she never even got to go to a family Christmas party.

Well it has been on my heart to get a picture of Santa holding Aubrey’s picture but I didn’t know when or how I was going to get this done. I didn’t want to just bring her picture to any ole Santa and photographer and say hey will you hold this picture and take a picture of it. I couldn’t do that. This was something super personal and unexpectedly emotional for me.

Well my friend happened to mention in conversation that he was going to be taking Santa pictures that weekend. (light bulb goes off) Here’s my opportunity to get it done. At that point I had no idea how hard it was going to be. As I was driving to get the picture to him the anxiety started to set in. The racing thoughts. What will people think? I know I’m not supposed to care but let’s be real…we all have those thoughts. To be honest I’m still wondering if I should post this or not. Then there are the thoughts of am I doing this grieving thing right? When I know that we all grieve differently and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. It’s been almost 2.5 years where should I be? It doesn’t matter, she is my daughter I will miss her forever. I will cry unexpected tears the rest of my life. Yet I still worry what other people will think. Even though I have never once, not a single time since Aubrey went to heaven have I ever felt judged. My friends, my family, and all of you who follow me have always shown me nothing but love and support.

My friends listen to me when I need an ear and they always seem to know what to say or what not to say. My family puts up with my silly ideas that make my heart happy. And you guys all offer up the most encouraging words a momma in my situation needs.

As I pulled into the parking spot and got out of my car I see all these smiling kids. I see parents with joy on their faces as they walk in to get their kids Santa pictures. As I quickly glanced around the room, and I mean one scan and I was done for, I saw excited children and parents who are all embracing the moment as I was doing my best to hold it together. I think I was in there literally only two minutes (I couldn’t stay for him to take the picture, it was just too much) and felt so many overwhelming emotions.

Y’all don’t understand what this picture means for a momma whose daughter will forever be 13 months old in her eyes. I will never get to take another picture of my baby girl. I will never get to compare her Santa pictures from year to year. I will never get to open the photo album on my phone and see a new picture of Aubrey. I have 13 months of pictures that I am so thankful that I have but sometimes I just wish I could take another picture like you all do everyday. So this one picture, this one beautiful picture that my friend captured for me, gave me a glimpse of what you all experience on Christmas with your children.

Even though Santa only held a picture of Aubrey, it gave me a vision of bringing Aubrey to see him. I can just picture it all so well, she would be dressed in her cute holiday outfit, that of course would be some form of a lightweight dress with no sparkles. We would probably wait until close to the end when there would hopefully be less people. We would, no doubt, be getting some stares but that never bothered us. We would bring her in in her stroller and hopefully it would be quiet enough that it didn’t bother her. We would have to decide and talk to Santa about whether one of us should hold her or if he was comfortable enough with it. And just like any child, we will never know if she would be happy about this or cry her eyes out. It would be a 50/50 shot if we were going to get goofy Aubrey or mad Aubrey. My instinct tells me that she more than likely would not be very happy, which in turn would lead to her silent cry, that would then again lead to more stares. Most people didn’t know how to react to a silent baby.  In between all of this there would most definitely be some trach suctioning, all while I am worrying about holding other people up.

It’s amazing how many words one picture can say. How many emotions it can bring out. To most it’s just a picture, to me it’s a thousand words wrapped into one. I really had no idea my heart needed that this year and to see that picture made my heart a little less heavy this holiday season. I can’t thank my friend enough for capturing this moment for me.