Thoughts

Can I just start with how amazing my God is, guys….He is so good. This past week I had a couple conversations that were not expected at all. God set these up to remind me of my why. Remind me of the bigger purpose of my life. Two days in a row I got to talk to a couple of friends about my life. Both of these people know the jist of my story but I have never sat and had a deeper conversation with them. If you have read my blog at all the past couple months you will know how hard they have been for me. Partly because I let myself get there, I let myself be negative and gave myself permission to do so. Finally, I made a conscious decision that I needed to pull myself out of this head space, I lingered there long enough. I wasn’t getting anywhere by letting myself stay there. One thing I have learned about myself in my grieving process, is that I go through phases. Long phases of positivity and then I crash and am super hard on myself and find the negative in everything. When I was being so negative and honestly mean to myself I felt bad, I felt that I couldn’t do that, it’s been two years I shouldn’t be this way. I was so confused. But what I also know from leading a GriefShare group is that I will grieve forever. I can feel great for days or weeks and then it can hit me like a ton of bricks, and I need to allow myself to feel all the feelings in order to survive.

During these past couple months I haven’t wanted to tell my story, I fought it. I avoided new people. I avoided questions that I knew were coming. But God had other plans. He pushed me to tell my story to the Ronald McDonald House to be published in their newsletter. And now two days in a row I was lead to talk about myself and my life to people I normally wouldn’t have opened up to. Guess what guys…I survived! I didn’t dread the conversations and they were super comforting to finally be able and willing to talk about Aubrey again. I know He put these people in my path to remind me it’s okay to show who I am. To be real. To not hide my past because that is what has made me and continues to make me into the person I am today.

I was able to talk to the first person all about my pregnancy with Aubrey and all about the complications she had at birth that were unknown to us. I was able to smile and tell her about my amazing girl and how she is why I live my life the way I do. I got to explain to her the reasons I get up at 4:30 every morning to go to the gym and how I use the gym as my escape. How I made the decision about 8 months after Aubrey went to heaven to use health and fitness as my escape from my nightmare and how it has saved my mind from going into very dark places.

The second person was a totally different conversation. He was a concerned friend and asked me how I was doing. Not just a ‘how are you’ but a look me in the eye, how are you really doing? I got to tell him all about my past two months and the negativity of my mind. How it was affecting me and how I was in the process of pulling myself out of it. I explained to him the processes that I go through and my ability to recognize my feelings. Another thing he asked me, and I have never deeply thought about it, he asked me if it bothers me to work around children all day. If you don’t know, I work for a photography company that does all the school pictures in our area. I am around kids for hours a day. I explained to him how when I first started it did slightly, especially when they would bring the special needs kids in. I remember one school specifically having a kiddo that had a trach and a feeding tube just like Aubrey. I remember them coming through the gym door in a medical stroller just like Aubrey had. I remember catching my breath and having to turn away to hide for a second to collect my thoughts. And thats when I learned that if I was going to continue to work for this company, I needed to figure out how to make it through a day without falling apart.  When those unexpected triggers come, because they definitely will come, how I was going to push those feelings aside and keep that smile on my face.

Being able to finally want to talk again feels so good. I feel a relief and a weight lifted. You don’t realize the heaviness you carry until one day you notice it is gone and how much better you feel. Not only mentally but physically too. I feel more focused and stronger. God reminded me this week to not hide my past and to continue being the person that He wants me to be. Real. Honest. Genuine.