Before and After

I often think and talk of my life as before and after Aubrey. You will often hear me say “before Aubrey was born….” or “after Aubrey went to heaven….”. It’s an unfortunate distinction that comes with the loss of a child. You see, before Aubrey was born, I was not the person I am today. My life was different. My thoughts were different. I was different.

Before Aubrey, I was a wife and a step-mom. I worked to fulfill somebody else’s dreams. I was a drafter. I didn’t care about myself. I wanted to make everybody else happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. I didn’t believe in myself.

Looking back, I was weak. I would rather take verbal abuse, day after day, then stand up for myself at the risk of having a conflict. I said yes to everything because I wanted to make everybody happy. I liked to party with my friends. I really had no idea what I wanted in life. I didn’t know what life with Jesus truly was.

The 13 months that we got with Aubrey prepared me for who I am becoming. In those 13 months, I had no idea what was happening. I spent each day learning how to be a mom to a medically fragile child. I was preparing myself for a life of caring for my daughter. I knew that my life would never be the same because that is what we do for our children. We will bend over backwards for them to make sure their lives are the best that they can be. From sleeping on the floor every single night to going to doctor appointments each and every week. This was the life I was preparing for. And in a matter of minutes, all of this mental preparation was no longer necessary. So what do I do now? What does life after Aubrey look like? One day all we know is feeding tubes and trach suctioning, alarms beeping and silent giggles. The next day we walk in to a silent home, no white noise in the background, no alarms sounding, no gurgling needing suctioned.

Life after Aubrey is constantly a work in progress. What I am learning is that I am strong. I can do whatever I set my mind to. A few months after Aubrey went to heaven I finally stood up for myself and quit my job. I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was being treated. I started my own business and am fulfilling my own dreams instead of someone else’s.

I love Jesus.

I know myself better than I ever have. I am generally a positive person. I am very open and will share just about anything, but you have to ask. I am an introvert. I would rather have a real deep conversation than small talk. I am quiet. I care deeply, but I am the least sympathetic person ever. I get in my own head…a lot. I think way too much. I am good at just about anything I try. I pretend I have more confidence than I really do. I have a goofy side and an ornery side but I rarely let them show.

I have a different outlook on life than most people. I live everyday with a broken heart. But I am learning how to find joy in the little things. Each day is a struggle but I am learning to believe in myself and love who I am.

God has strategically placed people and events in my life to help me figure out who I am. I can see His work all throughout these past two years. None of it has been coincidence. From writing this blog to changing jobs. From starting my own business to leading a grief support group. From holding a blanket drive to learning how to take care of myself. All of it has been and continues to be Gods handy work.