2 Years

Last weekend, September 1st marked two years since Aubrey went to heaven. I found that the days leading up to that day were harder this year than the first. I have noticed myself feeling things I have never experienced before, one being not wanting to share my story. Ever since Aubrey went to heaven, I have been very open to anyone and everyone, open to awkward situations and questions. But this past month, I have been wanting to close myself off to anyone new in my life. I haven’t wanted to meet new people because of the inevitable question if I have kids and then me having to do the whole routine of telling them that I have two daughters, at which I always pray they don’t ask how old they are but they always do. And that’s when it gets awkward, not for me but for them. Luckily I have learned how to ease the weirdness, but honestly I am tired of these questions. I know it is something I have to live with the rest of my life, and I know I will work through this but right now this is what I am struggling with.

Unfortunately, it has worked its way into not just not wanting to tell my story but is turning into a negative mind set. I find myself not turning to God for this and not wanting to go to church. I find myself finding the negative in others instead of the positive. I dread going anywhere, as I know I will have to talk with strangers, but I am learning how to keep the conversation brief and steer away from the dreaded question. But I realize it is hindering my relationships, I close myself off from anyone who doesn’t know my past.  And I have been complaining, way more than I find acceptable, to my friends and family. I am honest with those that I spend my time with, they all know what I am struggling with, I acknowledge it, but I just can’t seem to shake it.

There is this guilt that comes with this feeling of not wanting to share my story. If I don’t tell my story, am I doing a disservice (I don’t know if that’s the right word) to Aubrey? Does it sound like I don’t want to talk about her? I hate this feeling. I want to tell the world about my baby girl, but I don’t want to tell my story. Does that make sense? Ugh. I know this is only a brief season and I won’t be like this forever but it does hurt to not want to talk about what I have been through. And God is pushing me, I can see He is pushing me right through this. He is making me face it head on. Of all things, my dad met a writer for the Ronald McDonald House Charities direct marketing team and told her all about Aubrey and the blanket drive that we hold every year. Now they want to interview me and hear our story so they can include it in one of their marketing pieces. Seriously? Can God make it any more clear that I need to face this head on? One, I have to tell my story. Two, to a complete stranger. hmmm thanks God!

I don’t like this season. I don’t like this version of me. I don’t like the mind set that I am in right now and I am trying my darndest to turn it around. I know the way to do it, I know that turning to God and praying will do wonders, I know this. I just need to do it and not be stubborn.