Reliving the Days

Over the past two weeks I have been brought back more than once to the day Aubrey went to heaven and the days leading up to her celebration of life. I haven’t visited these days for awhile now, which I didn’t realize it had been so long, and it kind of caught me by surprise. When you go from reliving these days basically every day to being able to go a couple of weeks without replaying every detail in your head, I’m not sure the feeling I felt when I realized how long it had been. I don’t know if I felt guilt, or relief, maybe a little bit of both. But over these past couple of weeks there have been multiple people in our circle of friends who have had loved ones go on to heaven, including one new born baby. Each time I heard of one passing, all the visions of Aubrey came like a tidal wave.

When I read about this baby boy who was born into the hands of Jesus, I cried, I cried a lot. I couldn’t control it, my heart just broke for this family. All of the emotions from the day Aubrey left us came flooding back, and I did not want this family to have to feel the pain that I still feel today. The pain that is forever in a parents heart when their child goes on before them. I didn’t want them to have to plan a funeral for their baby, I didn’t want them to have to leave the hospital without their bundle of joy. I didn’t want them to have to learn how live a new normal that they had no idea they would have to do. I didn’t want them to forever have a hole in their heart.

After these memories came flooding back and going to the service of a friends momma who was called home, I have the itch to watch Aubrey’s celebration of life. One thing I am so thankful for is that our church thought to record her service. I honestly can’t remember many details about it. I can’t tell you who was there, I can’t tell you what the pastor preached about (I know it was good because many people told me that). I can tell you the song that was sung and the song that was played during the slideshow but that’s about it. So to have the ability to rewatch it is such a blessing. I know that sounds weird but now that my head is more clear I would like to watch it again. I have started it watching it twice now and each time I got about 5 minutes in and then chickened out not wanting to watch it by myself. I know this isn’t something everyone can do, my husband isn’t quite ready to watch it yet, but I do feel as though it will help me. I don’t know how but I feel like it will be a good thing. I did ask my mom if she felt she could watch it with me and she said absolutely yes. So in another couple weeks I will try for the third time to rewatch my babies service.