Finding My Joy Again

I have had a lot of people tell me recently that they can see my joy slowly returning. They can see happiness in my eyes again. When I first heard this I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Of course it’s good to hear that you don’t look like your sad all the time but on the other hand there was a slight bit of guilt. My baby is gone yet here I am feeling joy again. How can I do that to her? The questions are constantly there.

A few months ago we made the decision to adopt. Now many of you are wondering can they not have any more kids of their own? The answer…we don’t know. We have made the choice to not get tested and if it is in Gods plan we will one day have biological children again. But for now we feel that God is leading us in the adoption direction. When we finally pulled the trigger and made the decision to go with adoption I felt as though a weight was lifted. I have always dreamt of raising 3-4 biological children and that dream was ripped from my heart the day Aubrey went to heaven.

Not only have I grieved her, I have had to grasp the idea of not having more biological children. I have prayed and prayed about this and God continually tells me ‘why do they have to be biological?’ Finally I put my trust in Him and gave it to Him to handle. Once I did that, the weight was gone and I know that His plan is far greater than I can ever imagine.

I still have many days of pain but those days are getting farther and farther apart. Each passing day is one day closer to getting to see my Aubrey again. Knowing that she is in a far better place and is completely whole has helped me through this terrible heartache. My heart will never ever be whole again but the half that is still here is learning how to feel a new kind of joy. A joy that still hurts deeply but knows that it is okay to enjoy life here on this earth.