In the 3 years that Aubrey has been in heaven I have learned to expect the unexpected, to just keep on going no matter what life throws at me and to pause when things sneak up on me. Up until now there have been countless times of unexpected grief that just hit out of nowhere. Those situations have mainly been things that have reminded me of Aubrey, such as seeing a baby with a trach or going to a hospital. Not many have been from reminders of what she is missing or the experiences she should be having.
The past couple months I have been so laser focused on building my business I haven’t thought much about anything else, I haven’t taken any time to hit the pause button. As we all know sports are back. This past week I got the opportunity to print a local youth baseball team‘s jerseys. As the order was coming in, I was getting it all sorted out and organized. Looking through each team, checking for all the information when I scanned across a t-ball team and there on that sheet of paper was my good friend’s son’s name. Her son who is less than a month older than Aubrey. Her son whom my sweet girl would have grown up with, cheering him on at his game, attending Sunday school together, playing at the park while us moms played softball together. And the realization hit me, if Aubrey were strong enough she would have been playing t-ball this year. I was so focused, I missed the milestones that Aubrey should be experiencing and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I sent my friend a message and it’s like she knew exactly what I needed to hear. The first thing she told me was she wished Aubrey was here to cheer him on.
And then I fell apart.
I never in a million years expected a shirt order to bring up so much emotion. But I embraced it, knowing that this is my life. This is the life of losing a child. Months can go by where everything is fine and dandy, then out of nowhere comes this overwhelming wave of emotions. I use these moments to really connect with my daughter in heaven. I like to look at them as God telling me to slow down and to remember why I do what I do. I have learned to let myself feel all the feelings and think all the thoughts. Imagining Aubrey at 5 years old. How strong would she have been? Would she still have her trach and feeding tube or would she have learned how to breathe and eat without them? Would she have been able to run around with other kids her age? Would she be out on that field playing t-ball this year? I know my girl and I like to imagine that with the strength she had she would have been able to get around on her own and would be thriving through life.
My friends, near and far, probably get tired of hearing me tell them how much I appreciate and love them but I’m going to do it again and again and probably a million more times (Sorry, not sorry guys). God has blessed me with some of the most amazing people. And I love that some of those friends have kiddos the same age as Aubrey. They always make sure they acknowledge the fact that Aubrey should be here growing up with their kids. They never shy away from it and always include her. As a mom whose baby went to heaven early, this is the biggest blessing one can give. Although not the same, I get to watch their babies grow and imagine Aubrey at the same stages. I can’t thank them enough for loving my girl and honoring her through their lives and the lives of their own children.
Traveling through Grief 