All of my family and friends know about my desire to run a spartan race. For the past 8 months or so I have been focusing on my health and getting myself back in shape. I have always been an athlete, I love competing. Ha I was at my friends, who I have literally known my entire life, office this past week getting a massage and I was telling her how competitive I am at the gym, but I don’t let anybody know it. And she literally laughed in my face and said “you, Angie, competitive….no way!!” haha I was dying, she knows me all too well. We may not see each other a ton but these are the best of friends, the ones who have known you your entire life, who you have spent countless hours with, and aren’t afraid to speak the truth. Anyway, that was a short rabbit trail, let me get back on topic. I have been going to the gym basically monday thru friday between 5:00-6:00am for the past 8 months. I have learned that I do not like to miss my gym time, most of the time it is a therapy session for me.
Well the past couple of weeks have been really hard for me to focus on my eating habits and wanting to push myself at the gym. And then this past week was pretty rough. I am learning so much about myself since Aubrey went to heaven and since I have been going back to the gym and focusing on my health. It’s amazing when you start eating clean foods and exercising consistently, how much your mind clears, your moods are more consistent, and you are generally more happy. I believe doing this helps me with my grief, it helps my mind stay clear and helps me through this new normal. This past week, as I haven’t been eating the best, I noticed a trend to my moods. It wasn’t just in the processed foods that I was eating, but also in how busy I get myself. Those that know me, know that I like to stay busy, yes this may be a coping mechanism for me, but it is how I am making it through this time in my life. But I also learned this past week that I have to learn to say no or I have to be more disciplined in my own business and not let my work pile up. When I get too much on my plate, I find myself getting stressed and then that turns into me being a jerk face to not only my family but to my friends as well. I am usually pretty open to everyone about when I am having a rough day, that is one thing I have learned that I need to do, so that they understand but I don’t feel that that gives me an excuse to be rude.
Thursday morning before I left for work I was literally laying on my kitchen floor bawling my eyes out as flashbacks were rolling in. One in particular kept rolling through and I couldn’t get the tears to stop. My dad, Aubrey’s grandpa wasn’t there when Aubrey went to heaven, as he works in North Dakota. As my husband and I sat in that hospital room holding our angel girl, I knew I had to call my dad. Not only call him but facetime him so that he could see his baby girl one last time. It was the hardest call I have ever made in my entire life, knowing that my dad would be bawling his eyes out when I saw him on that phone. I finally picked up the phone and called. He answered as he was driving to the airport so that he could come home. I made him pull the truck over before I said anything else. And then I turned the phone so he could see his girl one last time. God, that was unbearable, seeing my daddy cry, not just cry but yeah you can imagine. Knowing that he would never get to see his granddaughter in person again. Ugh, life sucks.
As this memory was filling my mind all morning, I warned my co-workers that it was a bad morning and they understood, thank God for the people that I work with. I made it through most of the day until the afternoon when I finally let the combination of the flashbacks and the stress of my need to stay too busy get the best of me. I became grumpy Angie. I can’t always tell how much people notice or not, how well I can keep it hidden. My hope is that I can keep the grumpy side of me hidden as I don’t like people to see that side of me, but when you spend enough time with people they can usually tell. But I have started noticing that when I get myself so overwhelmed with things, that my mind can’t keep them straight, and with a combination of unhealthy eating, that is when I start becoming this person that I don’t want to be. So I am going to start working on this area of my life. (I have to say this out loud to all of you so that I actually do it) I am going to start being more disciplined in my business and other areas in order to not let projects pile up and I am going to focus more on my health and what I put into my body.
It is so worth it to love yourself for who you are and treat yourself well. I make mistakes daily but I get back up the next day and try to be better than I was the day before. If I slip up, I forgive myself and try again. It’s okay to fall, it’s okay to slip, what’s not okay is to stay there. Let yourself throw a pity party (I do) but don’t let yourself get in the habit of it. I have to give myself a little grace, so do you. But want more for yourself and your life than to always be unhappy. Take those little steps to find your joy. Life is way too short. You got this!
Traveling through Grief 