My Escape

I am not one to do anything big without planning it in advance, especially any trip longer than one night. Last Friday life started getting to me, it slowly crept its way in. By Saturday I was ready to bail. I needed to get out, I needed to leave.

These emotions that come with grief are absolutely insane. I feel as though I do a pretty good job at managing them but then there are these instances that sneak up on me. I just want to hide. I don’t want to be around people. I honestly barely remember the days. My mind starts racing and I can’t focus on the task at hand or even what someone is telling me. So Saturday I pulled the trigger and bought a plane ticket to Arizona to see my parents. What girl can’t use a good week away getting spoiled by her parents?

During my time away I was busy with my dad (mom had to work during the days) most of the time but I did have moments of time that I could just sit and think. I thought about where my head was prior to this trip. I have been letting the enemy tell me so many lies, and then believing them. I was letting him win, he was beating me up, telling me so many things that were destroying my self worth and what I believed about myself. I was letting myself get so caught up in life that I was forgetting to take care of my emotional health and what my priorities are.

I thought about the things in my life that I can control. The big one….What I am feeding my mind. I thought about how many times I grabbed my phone a day and when I did what was I grabbing it to look at? You guessed it….Facebook. God revealed to me that this was the single most influential thing holding me back right now. I am part of many different groups, and the majority that I see are grief groups. Now don’t get me wrong, these groups have helped me through so much of my grief, knowing that there are so many out there going through the same thing as me. But, I believe this is also what is holding me back. I see these moms posts whose child has gone on to heaven maybe 3 or 4 years ago and they are still struggling daily. I see daily quotes about bereaved mothers and how our pain will never go away. Seeing all these things every time I open my feed makes this idea of staying stuck in my grief a reality. Yes, the pain will never go away. Half of my heart will always be in heaven, but I don’t want to be sad all the time. I want to feel joy again more than I feel the pain of losing my daughter. I want to be able to keep a smile on my face for my angel girl. I want to live on this earth with confidence, knowing that I have the best thing a girl could ask for, a relationship with Jesus Christ. I have the hope knowing that I will see my Aubrey again and that, my friends is the best feeling in the world, knowing that she is whole and with Jesus.

So, you may ask, what did I do? I deleted Facebook off of my phone. It was hard, I admit. It took me two days to do it, but I did it. The last three days have been amazing. I haven’t been constantly reminded of where I thought my head should be. I have been able to manage my grief my way and in my own timing. Yeah, it has only been three days but my mind has already felt so much more free. It hasn’t been filled with lies all day long, it’s been able to think about things other than grief. I downloaded books on my phone so that when I feel like I need to read something and don’t have my analog book, I can just open that up instead of mindlessly scrolling through my feed.

Needless to say, my trip to Arizona was just what the doctor ordered. God had a plan for this trip and I am so glad that I listened. I allowed myself to listen to Him and really think about life and where my mind was at. Now that I am back to reality, my hope is to remember what He said and live life so that others can see Him through me. I know that I will have days that I don’t want to do anything but I am ready to feel joy again and to manage my grief in God’s timing and no one else’s.