July 22nd, 2018
My sweet Aubrey,
Your second birthday came and went. It was your first in heaven. I hope you had the best day ever. Mommy misses you terribly. I can only imagine what you would be like today. Would you be able to tolerate more feedings in your stomach? Would you be holding you head up all by yourself? I bet you would be able to sign a few things to us to tell us what you need. Mommy tries so hard to celebrate you every single day. This first year we collected 190 blankets, in your honor to donate to the Ronald McDonald House. It makes my heart so happy that there are so many people out there with such giving hearts, that want to help me honor your beautiful spirit. On the day of your birthday we gathered as a family and had dinner at our house. We each lit a candle for you and let them burn until they went out. Beautiful, I hope I am making you proud. I wish I could see your sweet smile that lit up the room. I miss you so so much. As the days pass oh so slow but so fast. I long to kiss those cheeks. I wish I could sing and dance with you in the mornings like we always did. I wish I could peek into your room and see that beautiful smile beaming back at me. I miss my goofy girl. I wonder what shenanigans you and your daddy would be up to.
This month that lingers between your birthday and your heaven day is the hardest yet. I didn’t expect it to be so hard. I expected your birthday to be hard and yet it wasn’t as bad. But this month leading up to your heaven day is excruciating. I know what is coming next. That day one year ago that I kissed you goodbye for the last time. I can’t believe you have been gone for almost one entire year. Where did that year go? I don’t even remember. I live life one day at a time, learning how to survive without you physically here. I never thought that I would miss sleeping on the floor, feeding pumps or suction catheters. Some days I don’t think I can get out of bed, but I do because I know you are still watching. Its early mornings like today that I wake up in the middle of the night remembering those nights that this was my time to get up to relieve whoever was up watching you. The pit in my stomach is growing, knowing that dreadful day is coming, that day the Lord called you home. I am trying to stay busy, but it’s so hard to want to do anything. Usually I can keep my mind occupied but this month has seemed extra hard.
Aubrey, I know you are with me all the time. Thank you for the little reminders that you are there. I love you so much. I pray that I can stay strong and keep honoring you. I pray that I am making you proud. As the tears stream down my face, know that they are tears of love, each one is me missing you every second of every day. I will continue on doing what I am doing in this world, it seems to be alright. I am slowly learning how to live with the hole in my heart, learning what I need to do in order to survive. I can’t wait to see you again one day, until then I will do my best to love and honor you every single day. I love you Beautiful!!
Love,
Mommy
Traveling through Grief 