Have you ever had the feeling of not knowing what to do? Just completely and utterly lost. You don’t know whether to cry or be mad or both. You literally feel numb all throughout your entire body and mind. This is what I felt the days and weeks after Aubrey went to heaven. I can’t tell you what was on the tv those hours that I sat there quiet not knowing what to even think. Disbelief, confusion, sadness all feelings that were there.
What I did know, was that my Lord and Saviour was still there, He was and still is working. The majority of people would likely begin to question God and why He would do this to them. I’ll be honest, when they were giving CPR to Aubrey I turned to the chaplain that stood by our side and asked him “why would He do this?”. But in the moments of sitting there at home after the emotional roller coaster at the hospital all I could do was thank Him. Thank Him for blessing me with Aubrey. Thank Him for the 13 months I got to spend with her and all the lessons she taught me. I have never once questioned my faith.
During Aubrey’s 13 months of life we had to be very cautious about where we took her. With her having to be suctioned so often church was not one of those places we felt we should take her to. When her suction machine was turned on it was quite noisy so in order to bring her to church one of us would either have to step out multiple times with her to suction her or we would have to disturb the congregation with her machine. We did brave it one time, on Easter morning. And then, one other time I felt the urge that I really needed to take her, guess when, the sunday before she passed away. I ended up taking her all by myself. If anyone knows this is a huge deal to do all alone. But I did it. It was put strongly on my heart to take her and so I did.
Aubrey passed away on Friday, September 1st, 2017. On saturday I could not imagine stepping out into public, the very thought of it made me sick to my stomach. Friends asked me if I was going to go to church sunday morning, all I could say was “I have no idea”. I didn’t decide until saturday night that I absolutely needed to go to church on sunday morning. And let me tell you why.
I needed to be in a room full of people who believed in the same things that I did. I needed to be with people that I felt safe with. And church was the only place besides my home that I knew I could go. Even though, at that point in time, we didn’t know many people it was still where I knew I needed to be. And it was the absolute best decision I could have ever made. We learned that day that we weren’t the only family who had lost their baby that week. Yes, there was another family who also lost their precious angel. Two babies in one week. Can you imagine what the church was feeling. Walking in, I tried to hide. I saw the pastor notice that we were there. And do you know what our amazing church did. Before anything, they just prayed over us and the other family. The entire congregation, hurting with us, praying with us, comforting us. People who didn’t even know who we were, supporting us. Many people would not feel comfortable going to a place that most everyone don’t even know your name. But when you have faith in Jesus Christ and are in a room full of others who share your faith with you. They are your brothers and sisters. They are there to comfort you in times of need. They are there to pray with you. And they are there to encourage you. This, this is why I knew I needed to go to church that day. I knew it was the only place I needed to be. And I am so glad that I listened and went.
God will never ever leave you. There are absolutely times that you may not feel Him near. But that’s not Him, that’s you. If you give yourself over to Him and be still and listen, you will see where He is working. I have every reason to question God, but I know that I know that He has an ultimate plan for my life. And blessing me for the 13 months that He did, with the most precious baby girl, was just the beginning of my journey. As I sit here watching, listening I can see something amazing on the horizon and He used my sweet Aubrey as a way to teach me things I never could have learned otherwise. Through her, He was able to do so many amazing things and those are just the beginning. I hear many stories from all of you of how she taught you and is continuing to teach you things. Guess what all…..that’s God. Through Aubrey, He has been able to reach all of you. Isn’t that just the most amazing thing. God is so amazing. I am just in awe of Him and the way He works. He is so good.
Traveling through Grief 