“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
Proverbs 19:21
Boy has it been a rough week. With home life and work and my crazy emotions life has been insane. My laptop decided to almost start on fire on me and totally fried the hard drive. As many of you know a couple days a week I work from home so having a computer is very necessary. And at work we have a huge project literally just starting so my boss needed drawings done as soon as possible. The enemy was full on out to get me this week when I was the most vulnerable. It’s been a rough week in terms of remembering Aubrey as well. I have been having a lot of flashbacks and things popping up here and there that remind me of her. So to have all of this together was pretty tough.
The biggest thing that has been bringing me down is the thought of what is my purpose here on earth? I feel totally lost. In the days after Aubrey passed I remember sitting there on the couch with my husband and we both looked at each other and said “what do we do now?” Our whole life revolved around keeping Aubrey healthy and safe. And then, it was just us and our 17 year old. I felt and still feel as if nobody really needs me anymore. Yes I have a job, amazing friends, the best church, and the absolute most amazing family, but there is still something missing. When Aubrey was born I felt totally full. I knew that she was my purpose, I was here to raise this baby girl and protect her as she grows up. But when that is stripped from you, what do you do? What is the new meaning of your life? What is God’s plan for me now? All these questions go through my head each and every day. I talk with God and am constantly seeking the answers. I just wish that He would reveal them to me now! I know, I know I need to be patient but, man being patient is hard.
Going on with my day to day tasks, I constantly look for the answers. Weather it be through the projects I enjoy taking on at home, or listening to sermons at church wondering if God will reveal something to me. I have had many new opportunities arise that I have absolutely loved taking on. I have decorated the church, I have started new crafts at home, my husband and I have also been asked to possibly lead a support group at church. Maybe my purpose isn’t at all what I think it should be, maybe it is writing these posts to reach others out there going through similar situations. Whatever it is, my prayers are that it is something that I can use to reach people who need it. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” This verse has been on my mind since I heard it in the sermon at church a few weeks ago. Maybe that’s what God wants me to do, use my situation to comfort others in need of comforting. I don’t know what it is and maybe I won’t know for awhile but like I have said in other posts I will not give up on this life because I still have a baby girl watching me from above and I still want to make her proud. So I will continually seek God’s will for my life each and every day.
Traveling through Grief 